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Lex's avatar

THANK YOU FOR THIS. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and it’s beyond hard to say no sometimes. Thank you for this beautiful and well written piece

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julie radford's avatar

„letting my inner bitch breathe out“ might become my new pin for the vision board ✨🖤

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Evanna Lynch's avatar

Yessss Julie, love that for you! 👏🏻 📌🖤

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Samantha's avatar

Hahaha love this

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Kyrollos Aziz's avatar

I’m a people pleaser beyond anyone’s imagination, but sometimes I don’t know what else I can do except for that? How would I choose my happiness over others? Close family members, friends in deep shit or sometimes, a stranger in need! Choosing myself is not as easy as it seems, doesn’t it sometimes make you feel better when you choose someone’s happiness over yours? Maybe because I never tried to choose my own happiness before abd because of that I am not able to tell, but you inspired me to try and choose ME before anybody else sometimes, maybe even one day I will tell my own stories with more details about being people pleaser.

Thank you so much for this!

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Evanna Lynch's avatar

Hi Kyrollos, I appreciate this perspective and it’s something I struggle with too. Absolutely it sometimes feels worse to prioritise oneself. Also, I should point out that my perspective is as someone with no children so I can only imagine how much more complex it is to advocate for the self when you’ve kids or dependents or are a carer.

I just know my instinctive response when people ask me for things is to say ‘yes I’ll help!’ And then later I may find myself simmering with resentment and wishing I’d taken a step back before responding because I’m energetically drained. I think it will change at different points of your life depending your responsibilities. For me at the moment 2 hours of uninterrupted writing time is my non negotiable and if I’ve had that I’m able to keep my heart open to others’. Maybe you could ask yourself what is one small non negotiable boundary you can set and give yourself (2 hours might be too much). I appreciate your honesty ♥️

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Kyrollos Aziz's avatar

I agree with you on the me time concept, and yes of course we have to consider our responsibilities while taking the simplest decisions of our lives.

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Kyrollos Aziz's avatar

I tried doing what is good for me today instead of doing what pleases the others, and it turned out to be a very good thing to do every once in a while.

Thank you for lighting this candle in our lives.

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Suvi's avatar

You write so eloquently. I unfortunately don’t share the appetite to read books as much as I wish I did, but I just can’t get enough of your letters and the way you write. Brava for discovering your inner biotch 👏🏻👏🏻

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Evanna Lynch's avatar

Thanks Suvi! I’m also working on improving my concentration at the moment. I’ll try to keep the pieces engaging!

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Lauren Opie's avatar

Have you read her memoir? Her writing is so beautiful. The Opposite of Butterfly Hunting. It is heart wrenching, especially as a mother to someone struggling with an eating disorder, but even just reading for the prose and style. If you enjoy the letters maybe it would be a good way to get back into reading!

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Suvi's avatar

I forgot she wrote a book! I need to get it.

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Key's avatar

I do always wanna try to make people happy, but setting a boundary for how far you take that is really important, hard, but important💜

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Willow Reeve's avatar

Thanks for this. Trying hard to get out of my people pleasing era! I hope one day Henry bursts back into your life

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Henrik's avatar

Went around, still do now and then, and said yes to most invitations and ideas. But this past year I have accepted that its okay to say no without feeling guilty about it. But yeah it isn't neat or an easy process. Some people needs to get used to the fact that you've decided to change for the better of yourself and your mental health.

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Paweł Jaśniewski's avatar

All the best :)

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Arden Lewis's avatar

Your storytelling dream is so exciting! I’m curious—what kind of novel are you dreaming up? I’m about to switch careers, but I’ve got zero passion for what’s behind or ahead—writing’s the only thing keeping me sane lately. By the way, how’s the vegan transition going?

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Akshay Godson's avatar

Thanku

Appreciate it❤

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Carmen Jimenez's avatar

Dark, Agressive, Single-minded... amazing

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Alzbeta Siroka's avatar

Dear Evanna, to me you are extremely inspiring. I am such a huge people-pleaser. I just cannot put myself first and face the fact that others might not be happy about my decision. It's so inspiring a calming to read your journey of how you was able to release your inner bitch and started to focus on your happiness! I hope I can get to the point one day but really this encourage me so so much!

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Luiz Faria's avatar

Thank you for every word of yours.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading everything you've written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It really helped me reflect on the topic and find answers to some thoughts I've been having over the past few months.

Reading your letters is a moment of great joy for me.

Thank you from the heart.

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Evanna Lynch's avatar

Hi Luiz, thank YOU from the heart for this feedback! It's a joy for me to connect this way ♥️

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David Villegas's avatar

This is a beautiful piece. I'm actually writing a novel as we speak. My genre is History, particularly Victorian themed mixed with fae, gothic, ghoulish with dollish elements but I guess my fear is that it will not make sense of no one will get it. What are some ways to make the story more enjoyable. More noticeable?

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Nina's Neverland's avatar

Thank you for writing about this topic (and writing in general, you have a very beautiful way of writing your feelings and chaos down and it calms my brain in a nice way)- I sometimes need a reminder why some things are the way they are and like you said, sometimes it feels good in the moment, you both benefit from it and it's only when you look back you feel like it wasn't right for you. I'm having my 12month anniversary of saying goodbye to a very unhealthy friendship as well at the end of April. And even though I still feel grief for the magic it brought me, I'm also grateful for the time and energy I now have back for myself, even though it took me a few months to get the positive feeling back. I'm beyond lucky to be surrounded by the best support system I could wish for and I can only hope it's the same for you 🦋 can't wait to read more next Friday in your next letter and/or hear more during the panel at Facts on Sunday. Quick question if you have the chance to reply - do you take letters while signing on Sunday or is this a rather odd thing to do? ✨

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Alice's avatar

Ridding yourself of an unhealthy friendship is, I suspect, endlessly rewarding. I only suspect, as I’m about 20 years into no longer being stomped all over by someone who was absolutely horrible to & for me - at some point the joy of living untrampled might dissipate; but so far, so joyous. And I still laugh when I remember my moment of utter confusion at my very lovely best friend seemingly suggest I stab the unfriend…

The grief - like all grief - truly does lessen over time. Enjoy that refound time & energy & youness. (That latter very definitely being a word, whatever a dictionary might rudely insist).

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Cynthia Koukol's avatar

Why is "no" such a hard word to express as a people pleaser. I've always found that expressing the word is not only hard but leaves me wracked with guilt. I get that it is very necessary to express it but gosh it is so hard. Being in my late 30s, I have gotten better at it but I still struggle with it so much! Maybe one day I won't feel so guilty!

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Evanna Lynch's avatar

Hi Cynthia, I think 'no' is such a decisive word and can feel devastating when you're a highly sensitive person for whom it takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help, so the idea of devastating someone else in the same way makes it hard to do. It can feel ruthless. But at the end of the day it is your life and setting these boundaries frees others to look after themselves that way. xx

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